Elaborating on what's wrong - the USB connector became completely dislodged and fell inside of the unit. No cable in the world can help me now!
That connector has been slightly off-center and pliable - for months now. Yesterday it finally had enough.
Connectors are only a few bucks, but you can't access those rear ports without disassembling the entire unit. Even after unscrewing everything, there are all those sliders and knobs. I quickly lost my courage.
I'm out of warranty and the nearest service center is 200 miles away. After shipping and labor, I'd likely be at half retail cost.
I ordered a PC memory card reader. This will slow down my workflow, but hopefully it's a viable solution. If it becomes too tedious, I'll bite the bullet and have the repair done.
Hopefully the card reader assembly holds up.